TOW Rachel doesn’t know what to do
by D.D. Casale
Summary: Oh, what to do when the lobster of your life says your name when his marrying someone else? It can’t be as easy as taking her place and saying I do, can it?
1. TOW or without you

**Disclaimer:** The characters, settings and most of the lines are not mine. If they were I'd be rich and doing something better with my time, or not! And unlike Ross with Jurassic Park, I'm not the one who came up with the idea for the show. I'm just a fan with an overactive imagination.

**A/N:** So I wrote this fiction because I needed a break from the novel I'm writing to see if I could get some inspiration. And please before you continue, take notice that I'm Brazilian and therefore I'm not a native English speaker, I'm not great wiz at English grammar either, and this has not been beta or proof read! I'm not saying this is not worth read, I'm just saying I did my best, which doesn't make it perfect.

Now, about the story it's a R&R set during London. It's an insight into Rachel's feeling. I'm not sure if I'll give this story another chapter, even though I intend to. So there are no cliffhangers, if it ends here, you'll know what comes next.

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**The one with or without you**

She was going to do this. Rachel thought as the taxi rode through the streets of London. This was crazy, yes, but crazy had worked out for her before hadn't it? She'd ran out on her wedding in the pouring rain dragging along a very wet and heavy wedding dress to meet up with a friend she hadn't seen since graduating from college.

She cut strings with her family because she dared to make it on her own. And just why had she done that? Because she was tired of living like a princess, she strived for more. Perfection was boring, the easy life was boring. And in her whole life the only time she had actually felt complete was when she was friends with Monica back on high school.

Sweet and naïve old Monica! The girl who used to be afraid to give a guy her _"flower"_ for the first time. The fat little girl who everybody teased. Only she hadn't expected to find a more mature Monica along with all her mature friends willing to give her a hand and help her grow up. Really grow up. They all had jobs and lives, and she had daddy, and Barry and clothes. Lots of them.

After college Monica moved out to the city to become a great chef, and Rachel came back home to a life of shallowness. How could she have been so shallow for so many years she will never know. She hadn't had any goals in life and when she became engaged to Barry another part of her mediocre life seemed to be falling into place.

Then she ran into Monica one day in an outing with her friends, at some pub, Monica and that weird guy who'd called her fat, a friend of her brother's. She even fantasized about jumping into an affair with him and give her life some meaning. Because that was where those romance novels she so frantically read always lead to. Some dark encounter with a mysterious attractive man. But she hadn't got the nerve to go through with it.

And thank God she hadn't since he had come to became one of her closest friends as well. Not that she really liked that annoying sense of humor of his. Anyway, since running into Monica that day she had all this doubts about her life and whether or not she was really happy. And when the day had come to say _"I do"_ to Barry she had freaked out and ran out on him. Thank God she had done it, she later discovered he was a great jerk and really lousy lover for that matter.

But no one would have supported her decision. Her mother would be mortified for sure, and her father would never approve, her sisters would think she was crazy and her friends would probably cut her of their social ties. She had nowhere to go, so she went for the only person who she thought would give her no prejudice. It hadn't occurred to her that she and Monica had two completely different lives and that Monica might still not be the same person she was back when they were friends.

And as if by some miracle Monica took her in. She wasn't thinking straight that day, she had done something huge, and she did not know where to go from there. And Monica's friends were so crazy they mirrored how she felt inside. They were watching a Spanish soap for Christ sake, and Phoebe was doing a very bizarre impersonation of Julie Andrews.

"_Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens…"_

Phoebe's voice came to her mind unbidden. There was no way in hell she would ever forgets Phoebe's singing. Rachel shook her head laughing at the sound in her head.

But they all became her friends in the end, always there for her, especially Monica. They helped her get rid of her credit cards, helped her get through her addiction to shopping, they were also there when she begun working as waitress, mostly because she worked at their favorite place, which became hers too. Then they helped her pursue her dream to work with fashion, they supported her through her parents' divorce. They were all great to her. She loved them so much, especially Ross.

Well, Ross was Ross, to put it in his own words he was Monica's geek older brother. Who had had a major crush on her since forever. He asked her if he could ask her out, and then he'd done nothing. And she had flirted, she had encouraged, she had even kissed him, and still he'd done nothing, so she lost any interest in any kind of a love relationship with him. Until, that is, the day Chandler confessed that Ross had been in love with her all along.

The nerve he had to love her in secrecy and do nothing about it! At least she knew he did have feelings for her indeed. And she decided to fight for them. But he'd come back from China with a new girlfriend. The nerve he had to give her an expensive piece of jewelry and then go and rub a new girlfriend at her face. Well it didn't matter she had searched for closure to get over him. And that was when he had the nerve to write down a list. God he thought she was spoiled and ditzy, he thought she was full of herself and worst of all, he thought of her as just a waitress.

Hadn't he been there when she struggled to get up on her own two feet, without the help of her father? Hadn't he seen her paying her own bills and living a life that she desired? Weren't he proud of her for that? No, he thought she was just some waitress!

A single tear rolled out of her eyes as the memories flooded her system. She was beginning to have second thoughts about going through with her plan. She had thought about it million of times and always had come to the same conclusion. That Ross wasn't worth the trouble. He was always whiny and he was the one full of himself.

Mister dinosaur geek, mister we-were-on-a-break! God! She was so stupid! She was falling for him all over again. She was just one more of his failure relationships who he blamed her entirely. Carol was the lesbian one, Rachel was the ditzy one!

He had whined about Mark, and his intentions about her. Mark had a girlfriend, but it didn't matter to him. And just when she had become about full with his complains and she suggested they took a break, he didn't even wait one day to go on and sleep around. And the nerve he had had to suggest they were on a break! '_WE WERE ON A BREAK'_ his voice echoed on her mind over and over and over again. Maybe one day she will have the never yell back at him _'WE WERE ON A BREAK, NOT OVER'!_

"Damm you, Ross!" Rachel whispered into the silence.

"I beg your pardon?" The taxi driver enquired.

"Sorry, I was thinking aloud."

It was quiet again, people in England were too weird, but at least taxi drives actually spoke English here. Her mind wondered back to thoughts of Ross. Apart from all the bad stuffs about Ross, he was so sweet and caring. There was something about him that seemed to calm her, it made her feel secure. Ross felt like home to her.

Since they broke up they had come back-again, then off-again. It was just too hard to accept they were over. She truly loved him. And if he even suggested they get back together they might have been back right now. But he didn't, maybe he was just as prideful as she was to suggest that. Or maybe he had moved on already and she hadn't.

She asked again if she was doing the right thing, coming all the way here just to tell him that she loved him. That if he loved her still then they should get back together. Is he worth another try?

"Miss, here we are." The taxi driver said and Rachel shoved some money into his hands, she got her bag and begun with a start. She was going to do this.

She walked through the front door in a rush, it was time, no looking back now, she was going to tell Ross she loved him, and if he loved her back, she would take him back.

She stopped dead cold when she saw him and Emily kissing.

And it hit her.

'_What am I doing?'_ She asked herself tears wheeling up on her eyes.

She was ruining the one day that was supposed to be so special for him. _'Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!' _She screamed on the inside. '_I AM full of myself, how come I never thought about his feelings before? I can't do this I can't ruin this for him! It's not fair. GET OUT!_' She demanded, but still she stood put, what was wrong with her?

Then he saw her, he was looking at her and he had that tender smile on his face. She couldn't help but smile back.

"My God. Rachel!" He said and his voice alone made her heart race. Then he kissed her on the cheek and she wass helpless. "You're here, I can't believe it." She started to giggle, as if she was a kid caught with her hands in the cookie jar. "What happened? Why are you here?"

Her throat felt dry, what was she supposed to say?

"Well, I just came…" She touched him near his heart and the comfort she felt ther was so amazing it overwhelmed her. She wanted outburst in tears and be held in those secure arms of his, why couldn't he see that? "I just needed to tell you…" Those three words almost slipped out of her tongue. But she couldn't it wasn't fair! "Congratulations!" She finally said it and he took her in his arms. It would have been so easy to just let go and cry her heart out right there. But she couldn't!

Sometime later she was sitting down watching each one of her friends, apart from Phoebe, walking down the aisle. Ross was looking goofy. Joey was being Joey. Monica and Chandler were acting really weird. So, yes, nothing had changed. Just the aching pain inside her heart Rachel had fought not to acknowledge. Then everyone turned to the tune of Here Comes the Bride. Everything was ordinary, just an ordinary wedding. Emily finished saying her vows and it was Ross's turn.

"I Ross…" Ross repeated.

"Take thee Emily…" The minister commended.

"Take thee Rachel…" The whole room seemed to be in silence, loud gasps were heard, and Rachel felt all eyes on her.

She didn't even dare looking at Monica's direction. She'd know she'd find disapproval there. As if Ross's mild mistake was her fault entirely. Mild mistake? There was nothing mild about that! Some guys choose a moment of passion to slip the wrong name. Ross chose his wedding day. What was he thinking?!

"Emily…" Ross corrected himself, finally, maybe there's still hope. "Emily!" He repeated.

"Shall I go on?" The minister asked awkwardly not sure how to handle the situation.

Suddenly she was very aware of how much infuriated Emily seemed to be. But wait, Ross had said her name. Her name, he still loved her!

"He… He…" Rachel stuttered. "… said Rachel, right?" _'I'm not dreaming right?' _she asked the woman beside her. "Do you think I should go up there?" _'And maybe, I don't know, take Emily's place?'_

"Yes, yes, do go on!" Emily answered and Rachel got mad for her being such a bloddy cold fish. He had said another woman's name, how dare she still agreed to marry him? That cold bitch!

The minister started again and declared them husband and wife. It was that moment that Emily chose to storm out. She couldn't have been so kind as to do it before they were lawfully wedded?! The rest of the evening they spent looking for Emily, who apparently had ran out on Ross. This was almost ironic, she'd done the same only five years ago.

After no results Rachel finally called it a night and retrieved to her room. She turned up the radio as she entered and the familiar melody started filling up the silence.

_See the stone set in your eyes_

_S__ee the thorn twist in your side_

_I wait for you_

Rachel lied down on her bed, her eyes fixed on the lamp on the nightstand. It was a good thing that Monica wasn't there, this way she could wallow on her misery as well as she pleased.

_Sleight of hand and twist of fate_

_On a bed of nails she makes me wait_

_And I wait without you_

This was their song, why was it playing on the radio now? Was this some sick joke? Was God playing with her for coming to London and ruining Ross's wedding? A large fat tear rolled down Rachel's cheek, and her nose started to tickle.

_With or without you_

_With or without you_

"Just what do you want me to do?" Rachel yelled at the darkness addressing to God. "Wait for him until we're old? Why do you just let me screw things up again and again?"

_Through the storm we reach the shore_

_You gave it all but I want more_

_And I'm waiting for you_

Rachel bit on her pillow to stop her sobbing. This was ridiculous. She was panicking like a coward, and was acting like a child. Yet, all she could think of was about going to find Ross and finish what she came here to do. But again, would it be right solution? Or was she better off without him? Was he better off without her? How could she make such a decision?!

_With or without you_

_With or without you_

_I can't live_

_With or without you_

She cried out, she couldn't live with him after he slept with another woman, and yet she couldn't live without him at all!

_And you give yourself away_

All thoughts of Ross started to flashback to her mind. She was sitting in front of him, the living room lit up only by candle lights. His sweet voice was foretelling great passion on her future, in that fateful night when New York had no power. What would he have said if Paolo's cat hadn't jumped into his back? Things might have been so different.

_And you give yourself away_

Now they were sitting down playing poker, the bets were getting higher and higher, and when she finally won she saw how happy he looked at the corner of her eyes. She could bet he had let her win.

_And you give_

She remembered the time she had that really hot and sexy dream about Ross, she remember how startled she felt to be woken up by the weight of his body against her. She was stunned with realization that night.

_And you give_

And then his beeper went off, spoiling the moment, only to announce that his son was going to be born and the look on his face was just to die for. He is so caring, such a good father.

_And you give yourself away_

The memory of his kisses in particular was too vivid not to be true. And she kept on crying because she knew she would probably never feel those lips again.

_My hands are tied, my body bruised_

_She got me with_

_Nothing to win and_

_Nothing left to lose_

No, there was nothing left for them, she was only kidding herself. She should have moved on already instead of waiting for an apology from him. And as hard as she might have tried, it wasn't good enough. She was sabotaging her own chances for happiness.

_And you give yourself away_

Making love with Ross for the first time at the planetarium was great. She had blamed him for cheating on her when she should blame herself for letting go of control in the first place. She should never have suggested that they took a break. They were perfect for each other. Simply perfect!

_And you give yourself away_

After all these years she could still feel his lips on her, all over her body. He was conscious of her as she was of him.

_And you give_

No one would probably love her.

_And you give_

The way Ross did.

Rachel got up and turned off the radio, she couldn't listen to it anymore. Oh, God! Tomorrow she would have to face Ross all over again. She couldn't be having these kind of thoughts, she needed to move on already. Maybe a long calming shower would do the job.

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_**Ok, **__**the first part is up, so let me know what you think. Please review. If you would like to be my proof reader send me a message, I'm really looking for on in case I continue with this story. **_


	2. TOW they said they’d wait

**Warning****:** Again, I'm not a native English speaker. So there's bound to be some grammar mistakes.

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**The one w****hen they said they'd wait **

So much for coming to London and telling Ross that she loved him, now here she was, after completely ruining his chance for happiness, alone and depressed. She thought she would be happy after she broke off the wedding, but she was actually feeling guilty. And now Ross had that look on his face. That sweet little rejected puppy eyes of his she just couldn't resist.

She'd seen them so many times in the long time she'd know him. She inflicted him pain before, not on purpose, or maybe just because he'd hurt her and she wanted to hurt him back. But never had she done it for pure selfish reasons. She was a monster, but she would do anything to make it up for him.

"All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board." Came the gate agent voice

"I get it! Well, that's that." Ross said still rejected. Emily hadn't come after all, she shouldn't hurt him like this, but who was Rachel to judge?

"No, you know what, I think you should go." Rachel suggested

"What?" Was Ross's stunned reaction

"Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it'd be really good."

"Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't know…" He was on denial, probably thinking she'd still show up sometime.

"Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you!"

"I could, yeah, I can do that."

"Yeah," she smiled. He was coming back to his normal self, it was about time.

"I can't, I can't even believe her! No, y'know what, I am, I am gonna go!"

"Good!"

"I know, why not?"

"Right!" Rachel felt like the weight had been lifted off her shoulders, she had helped him.

"Right?"

"Right," this was getting awkward, she should better go.

"Y'know—thanks!" He said as he hugged her, and she felt the electricity coming from his body. She needed to go now!

"Okay, I'll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here." Yes, joking, that was good. A defense mechanism as Chandler would call it.

"Yeah, well…" He said and the rest of his sentence lingered shut. She suddenly felt the need to beg for him to finish his sentence. "Nah."

"What? Wait, what?" A bit of hope started to warm up her heart.

"Why don't you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not?" She almost jumped with excitement.

"Well-well, I don't know Ross—really?" She didn't want to seem too eager.

"Yeah, yeah, it'll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes?"

"Uh-huh." _'What do I do? What do I say?'_

"No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend." Oh, good he was playing the friends card, she could use that.

"Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that!" _'That was good Rachel, not too enthusiastic.'_

"Okay!"

"Okay!" Her smile lit up her face. _'What now?'_

"Cool!"

"All right!" There it was the awkward moment again.

"Come on!" Ross started moving toward the jetway. Rachel couldn't believe what was happening. Maybe deep inside he still loved her, and he would need a friend, and she would be there for him. "Here," he handed the gate agent the tickets. The picture of what might happen after they found comfort on their presence only added up to her anxiety.

"Oh, okay, we're going. Yeah." Rachel said a little too excited.

"Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket!" She almost cursed aloud for this.

"Oh, wait-wait-wait…" He had to leave the jacket behind they couldn't lose the plane it would ruin everything.

"You tell them to wait!" He said and she nodded.

"Ok. Wait! Wait!" Rachel went running.

"Hey, lady, come down we'll wait." The flight attendant said making Rachel lower her pace.

Rachel stopped in front of their seats. She couldn't wipe the big silly grin off her face. She put the hand luggage in the overhead compartment before sitting down. Ross would be there any second, she was so excited.

First he had said her name instead of Emily, and now she was going on their honeymoon in her place. She should feel bad for Emily, but she really didn't. It was not her fault that Ross cared more about her than he did Emily.

Just then another stewardess came to take her order.

"Ah, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot and uh," she pointed to the seat in beside her, "he will have a white wine spritzer." She felt the plane moving and looked out the window. "Hey, look at that, the airport's moving." She realized how stupid that sentence sounded, "hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? Hey, time-out, umm, yeah, does the captain know that we're moving?" Why was this happening? "Oh my God. Oh, my gosh." She was going to Greece.

For a few moments she stood silent, hoping against hope that Ross would come out of nowhere. But when the plane took off, she knew that wasn't going to happen.

God was really in mood to play games wasn't he? She and Ross had just had a chance to straight things up, but they didn't wait for Ross to board. The stewardess said they'd wait! Or maybe she said she'd wait for her, not her invisible friend. She felt so stupid.

It was like everyone on the plane saw through to her. Like they knew every little bit detail of her pathetic little life. _'Stop judging me!'_ She wanted to scream.

After agonizing hours, the plane finally landed. She couldn't wait to get to the hotel to call Ross. He would probably be mortified. He would apologize to her, and they would complain about the plane company that couldn't wait for him to pick his stupid jacket. And things would start to feel normal again.

But when she got around to do it she wasn't able to reach Ross, she called to next person she knew would help her through this.

"Hello!" Monica picked up the phone.

"Mon, it's me."

"Rach, Ross told me what happened I'm so sorry." Monica said sympathetic, she then heard a nervous laugh over the phone.

"Yeah, that stupid plane company couldn't wait for him to get his jacket. Anyway, I'm trying to reach Ross, is he there?" Monica was silent for a little while.

"No, he isn't?" She went silent again Rachel could tell she was trying to hold back something. "Rach, Phoebe told me what you went to London for."

"I didn't, I swear I didn't say anything!" Rachel started on a defense mode.

"But just your presence was enough to…"

"I was invited!" Rachel cut her off. "Oh, well. Listen Mon, I know I screwed things up really bad, I know I shouldn't have gone, but…" She didn't know how to finish.

"You're right, you shouldn't." Monica scolded her. "Rach, why didn't you tell me you still had feelings for Ross?"

"I… I… Mon, you're his sister. I couldn't."

"Yes he's my bother but we're friends, aren't we?"

"Yes… but you see us together all the time you've got to have known."

"I guess I did. But all with this on-a-break thing, you can't blame me for thinking you guys would never get back together."

"We were not on a break!" Rachel raised her voice.

"Technically you were."

"Monica!" she was getting angry.

"**BUT**, I really think things will never work out for you two, if you never get to talk to him. To really listen to what each other has to say for change."

"I wrote it down on a letter and he slept reading it."

"A letter, Rach? It was more of a book to me. And anyway, you shouldn't be writing down your feelings on a letter, you should talk to him."

"I know! And that's why I'm so mad. He should have left the jacket behind. If he'd come to Greece with me we would have had the chance to talk things over."

"Sweetie, I'm so sorry for you. I'm sorry Emily showed up the airport."

"What?" Rachel was shocked, "what about Emily?

"She showed up at the airport, she must have seen you guys talking about going to Greece together. She stormed out again…" Monica stopped unsure of how to continue. "And he ran after her."

Rachel didn't answer. She didn't want to. She couldn't. She covered her mouth with her hand to muff any sounds of crying, as the tears were already pouring down her face. Monica respected the silence Rachel need.

"I can't believe this," Rachel's voice was distressed from crying. "He abandoned me!"

"Don't be like that, he went after his wife. He is married. You would have done the same."

"No I wouldn't, I would never abandon him for anyone. Friends before anything else, right? Isn't that what they say, bros before hoes?"

"More like hoes before hoes!"

"Monica!" Rachel reprehended.

"Ok, but calm down. It's not a big deal. Ross has moved on, he got married. You already messed up his wedding day. Let him work things out with Emily. If you're not happy, at least let him be happy."

"You're right, I'm so selfish." Rachel started to sob, not in the mood to cover it up.

"You're not, you're just in love."

"I'm not in love, Monica!" Rachel stated

"You're not?" She asked confused

"I love him." Rachel's voice was barely a whisper.

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_**I'm not sure I like this so much, but it was something I had to get done with. I'm anxious to write about Rachel's feelings when Ross tells her that they can't speak to each other anymore. I was so pissed at Emily, at some level I **__**see where she was coming from, but I was glad Ross chose to be friends Rachel even though Emily didn't approve. **_


	3. TOW Janice was on TV

**Author's note:** Season five was shot like back in 1998, but I took my author's liberty and jumped forward time in about ten years. I hope you guys don't mind the time setting, but if this story was set in 1998 some of the jokes wouldn't make sense!

Also, it's been like forever since I post the last chapter, the reason for the delay is that I've been busy writing something else. I got this idea and wrote it down, thought I should share, even if nobody reads it. Don't hold your breath for any further chapters, ok? This is not really a new story, it's an insight into Rachel's mind.

Oh, and thanks for all the kind reviews!

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**The O****ne When Janice was on TV**

Rachel was stumping up the stairs as if the steps deserved to be punished for all the bad things that ever happened in her life. She was dragging along her luggage that with each new step up the stairs it banged loudly through the hallways. She was back at home, and what a waste of time and money had it been. She'd gone to London in a rush of feelings, than she'd gone to Greece, also in a rush of feelings. That was it! She was never again going to listen to her heart. It seemed to lack good sense.

She arrived at her floor but stood in the hallway for a moment. She had acted so stupid in the past few days, that she was ashamed to go inside. She listened to their conversation for a moment, she wasn't able to make out much of what they were saying, but one thing was for sure, Ross was there.

"Just do it quickly like a band-aid!" She told herself with her hand on the knob. She stepped inside getting everybody's attention, she couldn't just ignore them, now, could she? "Hi!" She greeted and heard them all greeting her back.

"Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry." Ross begun, she really didn't want to do this right now.

"Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do." She tried to fake a smile, but it was so hard.

"That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible." Rachel almost laughed hysterically at this, but managed to stay calm.

"Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people. Not too shabby for Rachel." She went into her room to put her luggage away and take some calming breaths.

"So, what? That's it?" Ross asked confused, knowing Rachel he'd expected something more dramatic than this.

"Well, yeah! We're cool. Totally cool." She said holding her breath.

"Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best." He hugged her and she had to stop herself from hurting him really bad, because now she felt like stabbing his back right then and there.

"Oh no, _you_'re the best." She lied, right now, he was the worst! Ross broke apart from her.

"Ohh, I gotta go to the flower store!" He ran to the door, "check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again." Rachel seriously thought she was going to be sick.

"Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY." Chandler joked, _'thank you Chandler,'_ Rachel wanted to say, but bit her tongue instead. Ross banged his fists together before leaving.

"Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece!" Monica said cheerfully

"What?! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, _'Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?'"_ She emphasized the accent is a mocking manner. "I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why? Because I make very bad decisions." Rachel finished lashing out and she felt so much better, she made bad decisions, well, that was the understatement of the year.

"Oh that's not true." Chandler tried to help

"Yes it is! It is true! I went, I went after Ross in stupid London." She still couldn't believe how stupid she's acted.

"London is stupid! Stupid!" Phoebe agreed

"Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me." She should've listened to Phoebe in the first place.

"Oh… No, I did that for someone once and I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life."

"I'll do it!" Monica stepped in

"That's fine. So Monica, you are now in control of my love life." Rachel sealed the deal

Oh, why had she agreed to Monica that she's be in control of her love life? She should have known better, she was Neurotic Monica after all. First at Central Perk, when Rachel needed to talk about her feelings to see if she could sort them out, Monica had a fit because she wasn't holding the pictures by the edges.

Then Monica wanted to set her up with someone, she even suggested Gunther. Gunther, really?! But then there was Dave, and she could exactly say not to that, could she?

So the date wasn't that bad, and she really liked him. She even forgot about the whole thing with Ross for a little while. That is until she opened the door and found crying puppy eyed Ross sitting dejectedly holding a box of 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that he's known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch.

She couldn't go on like this, she loved this sweet caring man and she hated Emily for being so cruel to him, if she didn't want to marry him she had had a very good excuse to refuse to marry him in the first place. Why torture him with a little glimmer of hope and agree to go on to just run out the window afterwards?

But Monica wasn't going to let her just do it, would she? No there she was talking about swing dance lessons.

"Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky." Ross agreed with Monica, the poor thing was so innocent he had no idea they were talking in code. "I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily." He looks at the rose mulch. "My God, think of the massacre!"

Rachel's heart filled up with warmth and a little bit of jealousy, teddy bears, he was the sweetest thing, she loved him, she was going to do this.

"I'm gonna do it," she told Monica matter-of-factly.

"All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't."

"But I…"

"Please!" Monica begged and Rachel couldn't fight the part of her who wanted to give Monica some credit.

"All right, fine."

Rachel was quiet for a moment as millions of thoughts crossed her head, but she could hardly concentrate as Joey banged at the door and then Chandler stormed in mumbling to himself with Joe at his toe.

"You guys gotta see this." He said picking up the remote control, "Janice is on the TV!"

As he turned on the TV the sound of Back to Black filled up the room.

"Chandler that's not Janice that's Amy Winehouse!"

Joe and Chandler looked at the TV with confusion while Ross hung up the phone and suggested that they came up with a plan to cheer up Phoebe because she didn't get to go to London.

Later that day, after everybody left Monica had just finished doing the dishes when she found Rachel sitting in the living room couch, her feet on the coffee table, staring into space. Monica set beside her she ran her fingers through Rachel's hair, she knew that helped to calm her down.

Rachel let out a breath acknowledging Monica's touch and smiling at her.

"I can't believe I spent the whole afternoon comforting my brother and now I have to do the same to you."

"I'm sorry if my misery tires you." Rachel joked a little crossing her arms in her chest in a clear protective manner since she knew Monica was ready to talk her ears off.

"I know you love my brother Rach, and I know he loves you, but with the two of you it's just so damn complicated. Why?" Rachel shrugged "And why ,oh, why do I always have to pick up the pieces of your failed relationship?"

"What are you saying, Monica?" She asked defensively

"Oh, God, I love Rachel, but she is out of my league." Monica impersonated her brother, then she started in a more feminine voice, "oh, I'm SOOOOOOOO in love with Ross while he is going out with Julie."

Rachel giggled feeling better already, "I SO do not speak like that!"

"Oh, you SO do!" They both laughed together. "Now seriously Rach, I don't want you to tell Ross you love him."

"But I think this time it'll work out."

"He is married Rachel, and he wants to make it work. And once you realize that you'll try to move on while Ross still thinks you're in love with him. And then he'll be in love with you while you're going out with another guy."

"Ok, I get the picture, can we please talk about something else?"

"About what?"

"About how strange Chandler has been acting, what's up with all the kissing?"

Monica giggled nervously.

That night Rachel couldn't stop thinking about Ross, she woke up shaking with anxiety, she really wanted to go with Monica's way, but this was killing her. She needed to take a long calming bath before going to work and maybe put on a good smelling body moisturizer, but hers had just finished.

"Hey, Mon, do you have a body moisturizer?" Rachel asked as Monica prepared breakfast.

"No!" Monica lied, there was no way Rachel was going to get near her cosmetics and leave the bottles all moist. "Maybe Chandler has some."

"Yeah," Rachel said before crossing the hall as she opened the door Chandler was sitting on the kitchen counter, he closed the lid of his laptop and stared at her with a guilty face. "Were you looking at porn?" Rachel asked

"N-no!" He stuttered

"Yes you were," Rachel rushed to the laptop opening the lid. "Winehouse back in rehab, yes, yes, yes," she read, "man, you really are obsessed with this, aren't you?"

"Well, they do look alike, don't they?" He asked her seriously, "what if it _was_… her? I mean, it could be her. If she wanted to remain anonymous, she'd take on another name. And that nasal voice Janice has could be from inhaling crack." He stopped to think about his theory.

"What are you saying? Would you come back from Yemen if she was?"

Rachel just shook her head negatively.


End file.
